London's Burning (original version)

Something I never got round to posting...

Scene: Winter 1940, the rubble of East London, morning after a German bombing raid. Some politicians have visited to boost morale…

Harriet Harbottle (Labour): You know I condemn the bombing unreservedly. But at the same time I also applaud it. Yes it has brought destruction into people’s lives, but so too have some of those whose homes have been destroyed and families killed — bankers, News Of The World journalists, white middle class males, people who send their children to private school… except for St. Paul’s Girls’. It’s too easy to say, “Let’s fight them on the beaches.” Surely it makes more sense to form a robust understanding of the cause of this so-called Blitz?… To reach out to the Nazi community… To go further than “hug a Himmler.”

BBC commentator, Nitwit Robinson: I’m sorry, I must point out we’re not allowed to use the word “bombing”… or “Blitz” for that matter. The corporation feels it might be prejudicial against those Germans currently and illegally interned on the Isle of Man. The preferred term is “English Punishment Missions”.

Ed Millivanilli (Leader, Labour Party): And anti-aircwaft fire is simply a kneejerk wesponse. It’s wong to fire indiscwiminately and wisk hitting vose German planes which we don’t even know dwopped bombs or whose bombs can’t be pwoven to have done any damage. We are judging wivout evidence. Tonight, when ve Heinkels fly over, I would ask Wondoners to turn to ve sky and simpwy shout up togever, “We are all Nazis.” Because, in a sense, we all are.

Spike von Helmet (Führer, British Nazi Association): Ze Aryans is angry, mann. Zey have lebensraum in dem bellies.

Harriet Harbottle nods approvingly.

Robinson: And over to you Prime Minister. Prime Minister?… Quick, a doctor for Mr. Churchill. He’s turned purple.